Day 31 - end of the first month
As today marks the end of my first month, I thought I would answer the one question that I am constantly asked since my arrival; why did you move back to Turkey?
There is no one line answer. The decision came after several months of thinking, looking at my life and realizing what I needed to do for myself.
The thought of moving back to Turkey crossed my mind about a year ago. I had been living in the US for over 9 years and was still not a citizen; always accompanied by an expiration date on my passport, the stress and anxiety of not feeling settled were slowly increasing and there was nothing to look forward to that would relieve these feelings. I adored San Francisco and could see (and still do) myself settling there, I had a job many young artists would kill for, a supportive and loving family that never pressured me to move back to Istanbul and a very good quality of life full of good friends, good food and killer weather. Yet I couldn’t stop thinking about what it would be like if I lived in Istanbul, the wonder kept creeping into my head. I never felt quite right about being so far from family. Seeing them a few times a year didn’t work, I had also noticed that after moving to California I felt extremely far from Turkey. When my grandmother passed away 3 years ago, I was in my last semester of grad school. My brother called and I jumped on the first plane, flew for 14 hours, came home for two days for the funeral, then back on a plane and showed up in class the next day. That was such a hazy couple of days, as if it had never happened. I didn’t experience the grief and mourning like the other members of my family. Many other times, I felt that I was always the one who wasn’t there for this or that event.
Eventually I realized that I was feeling stuck in many aspects of my life; I just couldn’t see how the next 6 months or year were going to be different to make me happier. I needed to completely change something and I knew for me it was whether or not I would move to Turkey. If the idea had been simmering in my head for so long and this was the time where I could stop everything and start fresh in a new place, I needed to do it. This was the opportunity, a clean slate to restart. I wanted to give my home country a chance to show me what I could do here. I wanted to live with peace of mind, no expiration dates and where I could for once make long term decisions.
Last summer I came to see my newborn baby nephew when he was 7 weeks old. It was the first time I told a few of my friends that they could see me back here in 6 months; for good this time. It is now exactly 6 months later.
